


(California) King Bed

by bluemermaiid



Series: todos los caminos llevan al corazón (y a Nueva York) [1]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: 16x23 spoiler, Angst, Angst and Feels, Background Case, Barmaro, Bisexual Male Character, Emotional Hurt, Eventual Smut, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Rolivia Mentions, Songfic, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-02
Updated: 2017-04-28
Packaged: 2018-05-30 17:12:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6433138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluemermaiid/pseuds/bluemermaiid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"This wasn't the first day that Nick had been acting strange, too distant, too coiled. They were chest to chest, naked bodies tangled, air still filled with the scent of the love they had made hours before, but still he remained stranded, and Rafael felt as if he was drifting each second further away".<br/>After finding out NYPD will never promote him to sergeant, Nick Amaro rethinks about moving to California to be closer to his children and to be in a place where his career can move up. But now that he has someone who matters in his life, will it affect his decision? And will things take a turn after the courthouse shooting?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. California

**Author's Note:**

> /please read/
> 
> Hi, everyone!  
> Here I am doing something I thought I would *never* do in my entire life: post a m/m story. Not my usual fix, but what could I do when I rewatched season 15-16 and the interaction between these characters just gripped me and pulled me in in a way I couldn't possibly deny their wishes for a story. So, here I am.
> 
> This fic is inspired by the song "California King Bed" by Rihanna, but it won't exactly follow it in details - I just really thought it fit everything pretty well.  
> The story takes place *during* 16x23 ("Surrendering Noah"), so, there are some major spoilers from this episode. There are some mentions of Rolivia, but nothing that will upset you if you don't ship the couple.  
> Forgive me for my Spanish, it's really not that good. And on that same note: yeah, I may or may not use too much Spanish, but it's my headcanon for them, plus it's fluffy and hot, so, I see no harm.
> 
> This is the first work of a series, so, I truly hope you enjoy it and want to follow up what I have in store for the characters!

 

" _Nick_?", he asked softly.

The man laying beside him seemed to be in another country. Once bright and lively, the black eyes were now a shade darker, blankly watching the ceiling while a troubled mind wondered elsewhere, far, far away from the king sized bed where his body now laid.

" _Nick_?", Rafael asked again, this time his voice filled with concern.

The second calling was enough to snap him out of his thoughts.

"Mm", Nick Amaro muttered, "Sorry".

"It's okay", he was ever so gentle, "Que passa? Another nightmare?".

"Not really". He was quiet. _Too quiet_. Rafael worried.

This wasn't the first day that Nick had been acting strange, too distant, too coiled. They were chest to chest, naked bodies tangled, air still filled with the scent of the love they had made hours before, but still he remained stranded, and Rafael felt as if he was drifting each second further away. He didn't know if he should finally invade Nick's space and pull him closer; remove him from these haunting thoughts; or if he should just let the man figure it out on his own time. He decided for the first option.

"What is it, Nick?", Rafael sat up on the bed and watched his lover with that objective calm he applied to the courtroom. It was better if he didn't get carried away with his own worries before knowing what was happening, he told himself, hoping it was enough for his heart to remain still.

"Liv called me over to her office to talk about the sergeant's exam", he started, still not looking directly at the ADA.

Rafael already knew the course this conversation would take. With Nick's track record and how IAB worked, he had been sure the sergeant's exam was already a lost cause, but he hadn't dare tell the detective that. Not when the man had been so hopeful and so excited about it. Rafael didn't feel the right to crush his lover's hopes until it was all said and decided, and God, if he thought it possible he would knock on the mayor's door himself - or on whoever's could pull the strings to make it happen. If only his friend Alex Muñoz hadn't turned out to be such a crook he would have been able to ask for a favor.

"And?", he couldn't look him in the eye, so both men stared at the wall before them, "What did she say?".

"That _Tucker_ told her I shouldn't even try", Nick banged his fist on the bed, startling Rafael, "That they would never promote me. Considering my track record".

Despite hearing what he predicted he'd hear he still didn't know how to react. ADA Barba was the man who always knew what to say, the guy who always had a sharp comeback to deliver, the man whose closing arguments all attorneys dreaded. But Rafael Barba felt like a totally different man from the composed and collected ADA, especially now. Rafael Barba was the man who didn't know what to say to the broken guy that sat beside him, the guy he had grown so fond of in the last few years, the guy he dared to admit he loved.

"Yo lo siento mucho", he whispered.

Before he could dismiss Rafael a firm hand gripped over his arm, stopping the harsh words that clogged his throat.

"You know I mean it. I'm not just saying it for effect", Rafael swallowed dry, "You're hurting. So I'm hurting".

Nick abruptly turned over, placing his hand over the one that held his arm and gazing into the serious firm eyes that softly watched him. They stayed like that for a few moments, in a silent dialogue, in mutual understanding.

The connection was broken when Nick's raven eyes lost their shine and he let his chin drop as he pursed his lips, holding back words he didn't wanna say, words that could potentially destroy everything they had.

"Nick...?", he started. Rafael was getting

tired of saying his name on such a worried note, with such a heavy air of fear behind such a beautiful four letter word.

"I've been thinking about moving to California", Nick blurted out all at once, as if he was ripping a band-aid.

Rafael's first instinct was to feel betrayed and hurt, but he tried to push past that and think about the subject with a mature head.

"When did you start thinking about it?", the man's voice was thin and frail.

"Well, Cynthia has decided she _will_ move to San Diego. And now that the sergeant thing blew up...", he felt ashamed, almost as if he was talking about throwing everything into the air and running away, "I'm not going anywhere here", suddenly he felt angry all over again: he was back at that prison cell, being investigated by IAB, driving a patrol car, listening to Olivia saying he'd never make sergeant.

Nick straightened his back and clenched his jaw. Rafael could see the fury pass through his eyes, as if a mist or a fog, clouding all his reasoning.

"What am I supposed to do with my life?", he didn't even notice but by then he was already shouting, the thick blue vein pulsating on his neck, "Stay a detective forever? See Zara and Gil only once a month? Or worse?". His face turned redder and lividity rose to his head as he remembered Amanda's words; _"You write, you call, like you do with Zara"_. He couldn't cope with that. It wasn't enough. He wasn't enough.

Rafael opened his mouth but quickly closed it before any words could be formed. He couldn't refute what Nick had said, there was a point to all of it and he was hardly the appropriate person to pretend otherwise. He had had to be ambitious throughout all his life, he had had to want to climb each time higher: to go from El Barrio to Harvard to the DA's office. He couldn't just pat Nick on the back and tell him that he had all the reasons to be content with being stuck with the detective career and with having his two kids a thousand miles away. All he knew was that his lover wasn't alone in NYC: Nick had his squad family and had him. He just didn't know if he was enough. But he knew he'd never stand in the way between his family and him.

"The truth is", his tense voice interrupted Rafael's train of thought, "I don't know what to do, Rafi. Estoy perdido".

He caressed Nick's face just enough to send shivers down the man's spine, and watched as a stray tear rolled down his cheek.

"What do you wanna do, Nick?", he asked.

"I don't know. I just wanna be able to have it all. The job, my two kids here", black eyes flickered up, "And you".

Rafael embraced Nick, bringing him as close as humanly possible. The detective's head rested on his shoulder, with his hand placed on top of it, as if it was a shield.

"Oh, _mi amor_ ", he bit his lip strongly enough to draw blood and sighed through gritted teeth, trying to hold back the waterfall of tears that insisted on attempting to pour down his green eyes, "If only I could I'd give you it all. I would".


	2. 12 400 miles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone who read the first chapter has enjoyed it (: Thank you so much for the kudos and comments! They really mean a hell lot to me and they inspire me to write more. I'm sorry for the delay in posting chapter 2, but life has begun to get really (and annoyingly) busy, so I haven't been able to write as much as before, but fear not, this story will proceed, even if it takes longer than I had intended it to!
> 
> I would really appreciate if you could let me know what you're thinking of it so far, feedback is always welcomed!

Nick had fallen asleep just before the sun began to rise. Rafael kept watching him, wanting to make sure his sleep was undisturbed - despite knowing it wasn't something he could control. It drove him mad, not being able to control things. It wasn't as much as he was a control freak, but throughout his whole life he had valued control, and in his line of work it was something that was constantly present - he was used to it, he needed it to function. And now that his life seemed to be spiralling out of control he knew there was nothing he could actually do.

In the body that laid stretched on his bed he recognized a strong willed man whose life had spiralled out of control more than a few times over the last year. A man that despite it all still carried on with his job, still looked out for those in need, still managed to put those needs ahead of his own when necessary. He knew Nick Amaro. Maybe not as well as he wish he did - If only they had met twenty years ago - but he knew the detective, the son, the father, the man and the lover Nick was. In the last few weeks Rafael had barely recognized the man and the lover in him: he had been cold, contrived, distant. Their love making was either too fast and agitated or too slow and impersonal. But now he finally knew the reason behind all that strange behavior, and despite his firm belief that knowledge was power that knowledge just made him feel frail and weak.

California was approximately 2400 miles away from New York, but in the moments where Nick seemed to drift away from him - all too quickly and without any warning - he felt as if they were 10 000 miles apart. The sergeant's exam had been Nick's last grasp at attempting a future in this beautiful yet infamous city, and he knew all too well that now he would fall over the detective's shoulder like a burden, something to tie him to an already worn out ground where he couldn't see himself blooming. Still, he didn't dare say or suggest anything. He knew he would probably have to let Nick go, but he couldn't bring himself to be the one to say it.

" _No te puedo perder_ ", Rafael whispered before leaving the bed and getting ready for work.

* * *

The bright morning light pierced through the thin half opened curtains and warmed the right side of his face just enough to wake him up. As surprising as it felt, the unpleasant thoughts and feelings that had so desperately overwhelmed him the previous night seemed to be at least temporarily wiped away by the slumber he had fallen into just hours before.

He quickly noticed the empty space by his side and sighed before realizing it was already to be expected considering how late he had gone to sleep. He worried how Rafael had managed to get up to work with such little time of shut eye and felt guilty for keeping the man up for so long, and because of such a dreading and hurtful subject. As Nick stretched over and began to sat upright he glanced over at the note that had been left by the bedside table and smiled even before checking its contents.

_"I told Liv you'd be in late. She understands. I may or may not have sprayed your work clothing with my cologne. I'll see you later. Te quiero mucho"._

Nick nodded to himself, smile still stamped on his face. This man drove him crazy, and it was both a blessing and an issue - considering his current situation.

* * *

The air in the svu squad was heavy and everybody seemed to be watching their backs or waiting for the next bomb to hit the ground. Ever since Olivia had decided to name Johnny D as Noah's birth father things had gone south with the pimp's case - not that any of the detectives were expecting it to go smoothly anyways. They always knew cases like this one were like a pin less grenade and that none of the witnesses could be _indubitably_ expected to stick with their words. On top of all his worries and fears Nick was also deeply concerned about Olivia, her safety and her health. Being threatened with having to share parenting rights with a sociopath who could easily walk away (and he wanted to trust that Rafael would be able to prevent something like that from happening, but he didn't trust any system anymore - and the legal one was never the best one to bet your hopes on) and God forbid actually fight for custody or worse surely took a toll on his friend, and by now Liv was family to him. Which brought him back to the subject of California.

He didn't _actually_ want to leave New York. Not when he had just found something he had believed he had lost forever. But was he ready for what it meant? He wasn't sure. What he knew was that he wasn't ready to commit to spend his life just being a detective and having his children grow without a present father - he was definitely one to know how harmful strained paternal relationships were.

"Hey", Olivia came out of her office and noticed him staring blankly at his monitor screen - it was becoming sort of a habit, the _"Void Nick Amaro Glance"_ , as Carisi had started calling it.

"Hey", he smiled at her. Nick truly appreciated Olivia. His feelings towards her had started as admiration, turned into a sort of attraction and then had settled as a respectful and warmth friendship - and he felt that that's where they belonged, that their connection ran deeper than blue blood, he felt as if they were meant to become family.

"Can I talk to you for a second?", she tilted her head towards the door.

"Yeah, sure". He knew what it was about, and for the first time he wasn't bothered by being summoned over something like that.

Inside the office she pointed to the chair despite knowing he probably wouldn't sit down anyway, so she leaned over her desk and decided which approach she would use. Olivia Benson knew Nick was broken down by all the recent events. To say the last year had been harsh on him was an understatement, and although she was aware she couldn't have help avoid much of what happened - maybe if she had paid more attention to him she could have prevented him from beating that pedophile, she pondered - she still felt guilty and hurt by the way things had unfolded. And then his exes moved away with his kids, and NYPD decided he was _"damaged goods"_. It definitely hurt her. Nick had become to her more of a brother than Simon was, and she loved him just as much as she loved her blood brother.

"How are you?", she exhaled, "Barba told me you had a rough night".

Nick laughed, despite the serious subject in question. Olivia and Amanda were the first ones to pick up that his relationship with Rafael had changed - only later he found out it was because the two women were involved and understood all too well how it was - but it was still a pretty unspoken thing, after all, they were never ones to share details about their personal lives. Still, it felt too funny when work life and personal life merged at the office and caused Olivia to call Rafael by his last name when talking about something intimate.

"Was that all _Rafael_ told you?", he asked, emphasizing the name.

Olivia looked him in the eye and opened her mouth, rapidly closing it before saying anything. She pursed her lips and her cheeks blushed. He smirked at her and then smiled. They both started laughing together until their eyes were watering.

"Oh god, what a mess", she said, wiping her cheek, "Amanda and I, you and Rafael... who would have thought, hm?".

"Yeah", he mirrowed her movement, "In the middle of all this chaos; William Lewis, Amanda's gambling issues, Muñoz's backstabbing and my various criminal activities...", Olivia censured him with a stare, "We paired up with the most improbable people".

"Were they?", she squinted her eyes at him.

"What?", he frowned, unsure of what she meant.

"The most improbable people", Olivia gave him a questioning look, and Nick knew she wanted to provoke him to think about it. He rubbed his chin and nodded his head.

"You got a point", his smile was soft.

"But you didn't answer me", she pointed her head to the sofa, now confident he would accept the invitation, before sitting down herself, "How are you, Nick?"

"I'm...", he let his body slide down the sofa, sighing before turning his head to the side and facing his friend, "Holding on".

She wanted to apologize again about the sergeant's exam, but she knew it was probably the last thing he wanted to hear from her now.

"Things will get better", Olivia placed her hand over his arm and gave it a tug, "Tucker may have said the department thinks this is a definite thing but you know how things can change over politics. One good case and we're the heroes of the city, one bad and we're the villains", her chocolate eyes pleaded him, "What I'm saying is: don't consider everything lost just yet. I'm not trying to get your hopes up or tell you to keep hanging onto this, but just to not give up just yet".

If Olivia Benson had a superpower it was the one of managing to say the right words when everything around her seemed to be crumbling - or maybe in the end it was just a part of a bigger superpower: the one of always taking care of people, especially those she loved.

"I hear you", he raised his eyebrows.

He wondered if he should tell her about California. He had told her about Cynthia's thoughts of moving to San Diego weeks ago, but that was as far as he had gone on that subject - and it had been the same with Rafael, until last night. Nick opted for not telling her yet, not only because it was something he wasn't sure of and had yet to understand himself, but also because he didn't feel it was fair to Rafael considering he had concealed the idea from his own lover for so long. "I'll give it a thought", she squinted her eyes and he proceeded with a firmer voice, "I mean it. And it's not like there's much to do now but to make sure that scumbag Johnny D stays locked up".

"Yeah, about that...", she rubbed her forehead and closed her eyes for a few seconds. Nick had let his guard down for her, so maybe she could do the same now. She had already talked about all her fears and worries to Amanda - and to her therapist - but she had held back a few of her concerns over her wish to protect Amanda. "I'm so afraid, Nick. I put up a front. I keep telling myself he'll never get any rights over Noah... but it's not true. Everyone knows. Rafael warned me, and I know how worried he is. There are days I fear Amanda will go up to Attica and strangle Johnny D. We both wanted adopt him, eventually, and that might never happen now", she took a deep breath, "I'm sorry for throwing this at you".

"No, no, don't be. You're my partner. More than that: you're my friend, my family. I've got your back", he softly rubbed her shoulder, "I'm gonna tell you something that may seem hard to believe right now, but I beg you to try: there's no way he's gonna win this. I'd never let him".

"Nick...", Olivia's eyes were about to pour.

"You've got a whole support system behind you here. Rafael won't let him walk away, he's working his ass off to make sure of that. And, well, if all else fails I'm sure Amanda can handle him just well", he joked.

"Of that I am sure", she smiled and agreed, "Come here".

They locked arms in a warm embrace, both thanking different forces for the people they had around them despite all hell breaking loose.

* * *

Rafael Barba almost hated Olivia Benson for making the decision of naming the biological father of Noah Porter on the birth certificate. He didn't _really_ hate her, and in theory he understood her reasons to do so, but in practice he recognized it as absolutely dangerous and potentially damaging. He organized and settled his case against Johnny D so it could be airtight, but he already felt it slipping through his fingers even before the trial started: traumatized and brainwashed prostituted girls, an unreliable pimp and a madam who was a pathological liar were the witnesses for the prosecution, in a case where there weren't many evidences and the few they had could easily be twisted. Needless to say this was exactly the sort of case he dreaded and could do without, and especially without the weight of also carrying a great part of the responsibility over Noah's adoption case. Olivia was his dear friend, the nearest thing he had to a family in his daily life. He didn't want to ruin this case, he couldn't ruin this case.

Although his main concern should be his trial preparation: motions, arguments, cross-examinations; his mind spun round and round through the piles of paper that covered his desk and went right back to thinking about Nick.

Somehow he felt like losing Nick was just a matter of receiving confirmation about something inevitable. It didn't pass him by how he had been excluded of the other man's California ideation: no invitation was made, there was no trying to convince him to go along, nor any questioning his position about it. Rafael wasn't childish enough to think it meant Nick didn't want him anymore - although if he was able to be honest with himself he would admit he had doubt about Nick's feelings towards him, he knew it was all about facts: he couldn't abandon New York City, he couldn't just throw everything up in the air and move up to the sun state. He had too much here, he had the job he had worked hard for his whole life. The more he pondered the possibilities the more he felt like no matter how much he reached out, Nick was already 12 400 miles away from him.


	3. Promise/Prophecy/Price

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! I'd like to start by thanking everyone who has been reading this story and thanking especially the people who left comments here, you guys make me so damn happy! I know this pairing is underrated and that sometimes people read and don't bother to comment and all, but I wanted to let you know that it really meant a lot to me that you liked the story and took the time to let me know, thank you!  
> I've been seeing a lot of people on tumblr joining the "Barmaro wave" (what a silly name, I know, I will think of something better) and I'm seriously enjoying it so much, oh boy! I hope some of you like this story, I'm really pouring my heart onto it.
> 
> I'm sorry it's been taking some time for me to update, it's just that my routine changed quite drastically and my depression is starting to kick back in so all those things made me lose my focus and my perspective. I'd explain more, but it would get boring. Just know that I in no way intend to drop this story (as I said in the description, my plan is to do a series) and I already have things outlined! So, it might take a while, but it's gonna happen. Without further ado, here goes chapter 3, I hope you enjoy it! Please let me know what you think, I always appreciate feedback!

Nick had wanted to call or text Rafael all morning but he definitely didn't have the right mindset for it after spending hours inside a prison ward "convincing" their _incredible_ witnesses to testify - to tell the jury the truth, nothing else but it. Breathing fresh air was all he needed, and despite the atmosphere that surrounded the facility the gush of cold wind that hit his face felt like all the relief he needed at that moment. He closed his eyes and sighed, ignoring everything for a few seconds. It almost felt as if things were gonna be alright but as all illusions, it was fleeting and it didn't last.

He opened his eyes to a transfixed Olivia gazing over at the lined up mothers carrying over their children to the prison's van, and immediately knew what she felt. He could almost see the image fogging her mind: Noah as a little boy, being dragged there every month as she was forced to watch that vicious rapist interact with the child she had dreamed of for so long, all that while Amanda stayed at home, picturing the worst.

"Let's get out of here", he gently touched her shoulder, ripping Olivia away from the horrible thoughts that threatened to become true.

They walked towards the car in silence, both people aware of what the other was thinking. He wanted to comfort her somehow, but he wasn't naive enough to make her promises he had no possible way of keeping. She was the one to cut through the still air after Fin got inside the car.

"Nick", she pleaded him, her voice shallow, "He can't win".

"He won't, Liv", the detective stared deep into her eyes and promised her with a single look, "He won't".

Nick didn't know why, but he felt like he was going to be able to keep that impossible promise.

* * *

Rafael glanced at Nick over his pasta plate. He wasn't really glancing, he was more staring, attentively watching, drooling over the other man.

"You're staring", he teased before lifting the fork, slowly chewing the steak and licking his lips.

Rafael lowered his voice, "And you're driving me mad".

"Always a pleasure", Nick grinned.

He nodded his head, faking disapproval. His heart was beating faster, but he didn't really understand why the physiological reaction was happening - he just felt a terror slowly approaching him. Was it the ever constant fear of losing Nick? No, it wasn't, he assessed with himself. He lifted his head and once again glanced at the guy sitting before him, trying to understand what could be terrifying him so much.

After a few moments of questioning it hit him, so hard he felt dizzy. This thing with Nick: sharing beds (and secrets, and traumas), the frantic sex turned tender, holding his breath when the detective went to work, tying the man's tie in the morning, asking him about his kids - and _genuinely_ wanting to hear about it, missing him on a busy day; this thing, this thing was love. Acknowledging it terrified him. It was finally love and he was about to lose it.

"Rafi?"

"What?", he blurted out.

"I called your name three times", Nick frowned and softly touched the other man's hand before quickly pulling his own hand back, "What's wrong?"

"I...", he blinked back to reality and censured himself, " _Nada_ ".

"Come on, it ain't ' _nothing_ '", he tried to reason.

"Please", Rafael begged, "Let's talk about something else".

"It's not like we're _talking_ about anything", Nick wiped his mouth and threw the napkin on the table, immediately regretting the childish act.

"Nick, please", he was firm now, and Nick knew the tone all too well: it meant _"this is not up for debate"_.

"I'm sorry. I was outta line", the detective sighed, "How's the trial prep?".

"Well, a pain in the ass", he rolled his eyes.

"And I thought you liked that", Nick smirked.

"Not _this_ kind", the ADA grinned, "I imagine you had fun today talking to our lovely witnesses?".

It felt comfortable, talking about work in such a casual and personal note. Not only they didn't feel bound by professionalism or any other office rules, buy they were able to be honest and truthful about their thoughts, opinions and feelings on the various subjects that popped over day after day.

"Yeah, I had a ball", he stretched lazily before pursing his lips and adding, "Liv saw a bunch of children leaving after visitation. It was really hard on her".

"God, I can't even imagine", his eyes watered. Inside the seemingly cold ADA there was a sensitive man, and this subject was particularly touching to him, not only because involved his friend and her child, but because of his own father related traumas. Olivia was a wonderful, loving mother, Noah definitively didn't need a batterer rapist for a father if it could be avoided. A child needed either a caring father or none at all, he thought.

"I promised her we wouldn't let Johnny D win", Nick distractedly remarked.

"You _promised_ her?", his green eyes widened, "You know we can't be sure of that".

"I didn't quite _promise_ her", he corrected himself, "I just told her he wasn't gonna win".

"...Something we _still_ can't be sure of", the other man insisted.

"I know that", the detective irritatedly waved his hand, "I just had to assure her things would be better. She's really been here for me. And -". He stopped mid sentence, suspension filling the air.

"And what?".

"And I don't know why, but I feel like somehow this case will end up working out", he attempted a smile, but his lips barely curled up.

Rafael's expression darkened and in fear he watched Nick. He wasn't exactly the superstitious kind of person, but something about the man's tone while saying that odd sort of prophecy sent a shiver down his spine.

"Yeah, _but at what cost_?", he questioned.


	4. Confession

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been so filled with barmaro feelings that I've started to push through my issues (that culminated on my writer's block) and continued writing this story, so I believe we will come to a closure of it soon! I've gotta confess that the lack of feedback is something that puts me down but I'm trying to get past that. Enough of my ramblings, here's chapter 4.
> 
> P.S.: This chapter contains smut, therefore it's NSFW.

The night's slow decent sometimes seemed to be the only soothing thing in the midst of all the mess he was. Well, that and Nick's eventual arrival at his doorstep. As he waited for the second of those events to happen he took his nightcap - in fact it was a replay of his nightcap, but after the day he had had, who was counting? - and imagined the remaining possibilities for the Johnny D case. Slim was beginning to sound like a huge understatement. He missed the simpler times - not that working as an ADA for the Manhattan office had ever been simple, let alone trying SVU cases, getting involved with Nick... what was he thinking about anyway? It all came back to the hotheaded detective and the realization that had so abruptly dawned on him during that casual lunch date days before. Even if he managed to win the case, help his friend, put a career criminal behind bars, make the world a tiny bit less vicious, it still wouldn't be enough. The probability that Nick would move to California would still be the same. It was all a matter of knowing on which note things would end. Rafael remembered the other man's words about the case, how he had a feeling everything would _somehow_ end up working out. _Somehow_ , he thought before talking another gulp of his liquor. Those words still haunted him, by unknown reasons, that and the infamous " _I've been thinking about moving to California"_ line.

"I'm ridiculous", he muttered to himself, "Forty three and still a terrified little boy".

The sound of the door being opened stopped him from dwelling any further into self hatred. Nick Amaro looked just as beat down as he did, and he wasn't sure if he should feel distraught or relieved he wasn't the only one feeling like crap.

After tossing his coat over a chair he loosened his tie and sighed before allowing his body to tumble beside Rafael.

"Tough day, hm?", the older man broke the silence.

"For me or for you?", he rose his eyebrows and worriedly glanced to his side, "I imagine it must have been madness after Pilar pulled out that stunt".

"That...", the ADA finished his drink, "...Was _something_. Kinda predictable - it's not like I believed she was reliable. But I hoped she would tell the truth".

"I kinda never had hopes for these witnesses", Nick confessed.

"Weren't you the one to say you thought things would work out on this case?", his tone was almost a mocking one.

"Yeah, and I still feel that". No more explanations were offered and the other man didn't decide to push it further.

"I had tea with Liv this afternoon. _She_ still has hopes. She thinks Ariel can get to the other girls and help them testify", he nodded.

"Oh. I think that can probably work out. She's a strong one, that girl", his work put him in contact with the worst time in people's lives, but when he saw survivors rise above all the pain and abuse he felt like the hardships of SVU were worth it.

"I sincerely hope it works".

They rapidly fell silent. At first Rafael watched Nick, who kept his _void Amaro glance_ fixed at the wall in front of him. Then he stared at his on empty glass, wondering when the space in between them had grown big enough for the silence to feel uncomfortable. He missed the fact that now Nick was the one watching him, wondering what he was thinking, trying to solve him.

"You okay?", he cut through the stillness.

"I don't know", Rafael decided to be honest. He paused and faced the man beside him. "Did you talk to Liv about California?".

"No, I didn't", he frowned, "Why do you ask?".

"I just wondered", his lips were pursed in a straight line.

"Wondered what?", black eyes tried to decipher green ones, but no outcome came from it.

"Don't make me say it", he moved his gaze away.

Rafael was notably in pain and Nick knew he was the sole cause of it. He had tried to push his feelings back, stick to the objectiveness of matters: his children were in California and he'd never move ranks in here - he also couldn't cope with it or the social repercussions of it. But there was an wretched feeling in his gut telling him that this wasn't all there was to his issue. Sometimes he felt deep down he just wanted to give in and tell Rafael how much he wanted him, how much he cared and how hurtful it was to even have to consider leaving him. But instead he just stayed there, numb, weighting pros and cons, trying to think _"objectively"_ about something he knew he was just supposed to feel.

Denying his feelings for Rafael - or the intensity of them, for that matter - wasn't really working. He pushed him away, he thought of practical things only, but he knew it was all a way of concealing the fact he didn't know how to deal with these feelings when faced with the moving away idea. True, if it had been a woman he wouldn't have all those problems: it would still be deeply painful to even consider leaving but he would either fight for her or he'd try his hardest to make a long distance across country relationship work. Or he could even give up the idea as a whole and ask her to marry him, if he felt too crazy - because after the divorce, he had had no plans of ever marrying again. But he wasn't counting with ever truly feeling _something_ for someone anymore. And still, there sat Rafael Barba, beside him, looking at him with such frightened eyes, and right there and then he knew he was in love.

"You were wondering if I have made a decision?", he questioned, much to the other man's dismay.

"Yeah, Nick", Rafael muttered, feeling defeated, "I don't mean to pressure you, though. I just wanted to know".

_Fuck, I need to know_ , he thought to himself.

"I still didn't decide anything", Nick faced him, he had expected the dark eyes to stare at him with anything but the soft gaze they devoted him now, "But I'll decide soon. Don't worry. We'll be okay".

"Where is this sudden certainty that things will be okay blooming from?", he ironically asked, "You're all full of prophecies lately".

"Rafi, come on", he held Rafael's arm, "Don't get so defensive. I don't know why I keep making so many promises. I just _feel_ like things will be fine".

"I wonder what you mean by _'fine'_ ", the irony remained marked on his tone.

"I mean fine like _this_ ", Nick whispered the last word before leaning forward and passionately kissing him.

The kiss was warm and lustful, filled with a pulsating energy that seemed to be kept inside them for too long and had combusted the second their mouths touched. Rafael shivered by the way his lips were sucked over and over, warm tongue begging for entrance as he offered no resistance. He buried his fingertips down Nick's waist and pulled him closer.

"That's how I like you", he growled, " _Cerca de mi_ ".

Holding the him by the shoulders Nick pushed his back on the sofa and climbed on top of him, trailing kisses down his neck and unbuttoning his shirt. The longing burning inside his pants made Rafael arch his back and put a hand inside the other man's shirt, scratching down the sculpted abs and sighing in pleasure. He couldn't wait to watch him melting.

Nick abruptly stopped kissing him.

"Can we take this to the bedroom?", he had a sweet yet disconcerted expression.

"Sure", Rafael frowned, asking a wordless question.

"It's just...", the caramel skinned man blushed a soft rose tone, "I wanna make love to you. Not just fuck you on the couch", he paused, looking away for a second, "I mean, we can do it as rough as you want, but I don't want to _just_ fuck you, if you know what I mean".

"Yeah, I do", with a chaste kiss he pushed his lover forward and got up.

Grabbing Nick by the collar of his shirt, he walked backwards to the room, never letting go of the fabric, guiding the other man to the bedroom in slow steps. As soon as they arrived there Rafael was pushed back onto the bed while a hungry Nick stayed on top of him, lips sealed together, pushing and pulling and wanting more.

Sliding down his own shirt down his shoulders he then moved on to unbuttoning Nick's shirt, his usually steady fingers now trembling, whole body consumed with desire and lust. The detective was the one to get rid of their belts and pants, first his own and then Rafael's as the man silently complied, just watching how he ripped them off and bit his lip at the sight of the erection.

They were both hard and pulsating, but Nick was the first one to get a feel of what was about to happen when his lover rolled him over the bed and started sucking him, licking the precome off his tip just enough to get him panting.

" _Fuck, Rafi_ ", he cried, "If you blow me off right now I won't be able to do anything else".

"I'll be quick", a grin turned his lips up.

He continued sucking Nick off, tongue circling around the head of his cock as his moans began growing up in rhythm.

"There", his tongue suddenly stopped, "I think you're ready".

"Oh _man_ ", he almost yelled, hitting the bed with his right fist, "You're killing me. Come here".

Nick pulled him closer for a kiss - wrinkling his nose at the taste of his own fluids - before reaching over on the bedside table's drawer for a condom and the bottle of lube. The look in Rafael's eyes and the hard on rubbing against his leg told him the guy was ready, but he wanted to do exactly what his lover wanted, so he decided communication was the best way to go.

"What do you want me to do?", he whispered, "I want to do exactly what _you_ want".

"What _I_ want?", Rafael grinned before placing his lips on his earlobe, "I want you to make love to me while I watch it. And then fuck me senseless".

"Oh", Nick touched his own erection before completing, "That I can do".

Coating his finger with lube he smiled and nodded in order to get Rafael's consent. He knew it had been a while since the last time they had sex, so he didn't want the experience to be anything but pleasurable. Inserting his finger slowly, he started moving, feeling his lover around, getting even more turned on at the whimpers that came from the other man's parted lips.

"I see you're ready", Nick teased.

"Thank you for worrying", he whispered, "But all I need now is _this_ ".

Rafael grabbed Nick's cock, squeezing it hard before laying down on the bed and motioning him to come closer.

Nick quickly rolled the condom onto himself and coated it with lube. He got inside Rafael slowly, savoring every inch and every moan he heard until he was fully inside his lover. He then grinned over to the other guy, who pulled him by the neck and embraced him in a kiss. Nick started moving faster, pounding into Rafael's ass each time harder, focusing on the prostate while closing his eyes and groaning in pleasure.

Rafael whimpered, pursing his lips at each thrust, feeling his body rise up to the edge.

" _Oh, Dios mio_ ", Nick cried, "I hope you're close 'cause I'm not gonna be able to hold it anymore".

Grabbing Nick by the hair, Rafael kissed his lips once again, just before Nick thrusted deep into him one last time and they reached the orgasm together.

Collapsing side by side on the bed, both men panted, minds reeling all over the place.

"God, this was great", Rafael sighed.

"Yeah, it was, Rafi", Nick was staring at him, smiling shyly.

"What?", he asked.

A comfortable silence hung in between them as black eyes and green ones locked together but lips remained closed. They held the gaze, both men wondering what the other wanted to say, wondering if they shared the same thought, their chests heavy with the weight of the words that insisted on pouring through their lips despite their efforts to control all aspects of the relationship.

"You were gonna say something", it was an affirmative, not a question. Nick smiled at his lawyer tone.

"So were you", he decided to reply like a detective.

" _Oh_ ", he raised an eyebrow, "Are we in court or in an interrogation room?", Rafael teased.

Both men laughed a genuine and long laugh. Nick choked, coughing and laughing and thinking to himself when was it that he had gotten so lucky as to meet someone who made him so at ease, so light.

"Are you okay?", Rafael patted his back, trying to disguise the slight worry in his voice.

"I love you", Nick blurted out.

Rafael blinked twice, swallowing dry as his mouth opened and closed, his face startled. It wasn't that he wasn't absolutely thrilled by Nick's confession, it was more that he sincerely never expected him to ever say it so loud and clear, so easily, almost as if those three words didn't carry a whole burden with them. He blinked once again and censured himself. This definitively wasn't the time to catastrophize things.

"I love you too", he stared at Nick and squinted his green eyes, " _Mas que puedo decir_ ".

* * *

The warm rays of sunshine pierced through the beige curtains as they did every morning to announce a new day had been born. Rafael Barba woke up a few minutes before his alarm clock rang, heart banging over his chest, anxiety clogging his brain so rapidly he didn't even understand what it was about until he managed to catch his breath and check what day it was. _Damn,_ he muttered to himself before glancing over at a peacefully asleep Nick Amaro laying beside him. It was the most important day in the Johnny D trial, the day where he'd have to fight like hell (and be a little lucky too, he'd have to admit - as much as he didn't like that notion) to put that bastard where he belonged. He'd been so caught up in the dilemma with Nick that he'd put the case worries aside, but as a cutthroat ADA as he was, he had all his strategies mapped out and everything planned. He would attack Johnny and his lawyer like there was no tomorrow.

"Nick", he slightly poked the detective, wishing for a second he could just jump back under the covers with him, "Nick, wake up".

"Mm?", he opened one eye and frowned.

"Court. Johnny D. It's today", the aggravation in his voice startled the man laying beside him even before the meaning behind his words became clear.

"Oh god", Nick shuffled on the bed, almost jumping onto a sitting position.

"I'll shower first? I was thinking we could grab breakfast somewhere. I really don't have the nerves to cook anything now", Rafael bit his lip and smiled. Nick was the only person he would ever admit being nervous to.

"How about...", he got up and started massaging Rafael's shoulders before whispering on his ear, "We take a shower together - just to make things quicker - and then we go grab breakfast?".

"Sounds like you have a plan, detective".


	5. Maybe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to thank everyone who's been reading this story and say that it means a lot to me, really. I got a bit of my inspiration back and I think it will be complete soon (then I'll move onto the next story of the series). Feedback is always welcomed, guys. Please let me know what you're thinking about the story, it's very important to me.
> 
> On a random note: I have a Barba screencap of the moment Ariel is testifying and he looks like he's about to cry oh god - bless these characters for being so sensitive.

Their breakfast had been pleasant but quick, as both of their minds were already settled on the battle they had ahead. Rafael had brushed his fingers through Nick's palm and whispered a "See you in court" before walking out of the café. He had stood by the door, hesitant, before turning back and glancing once more at a smiling Nick, who had put down his coffee mug and mouthed _"Go kick some ass"_. Still his hand had clutched onto the window glass, trembling. With a smile and a nod he had left the detective behind, and as he breathed in the New York morning air a shiver went down his spine, he didn't know what it was, but he felt like something bad was about to happen. He cursed himself for choosing the worst day to feel superstitious and continued his walk towards the courthouse.

Nick paced to the 16th precinct unhurriedly, enjoying the warm sun blaring on the left side of his face. He knew he had an unpleasant day ahead of him, but still he didn't feel anxious or worried. Things seemed to be falling into place, somehow. Olivia had texted him saying she was sure the girls would testify and with that Johnny D didn't stand a chance, plus it didn't matter what card the defense attorney believed to have on his sleeve, Barba was not only excellent at his job but he was absolutely dedicated and committed to winning this one and that alone was enough to make a smart lawyer afraid. Not only he felt positive about the case but he'd started to change his mind about California. Not fully. Not yet. But after last night (and a lot of other nights and moments with Rafael, if he was to be honest with himself) he felt that maybe he'd been to quick to judge New York as a lost chance for him. Sure, he'd probably never change ranks, but was he ready to drop everything he had here - a _family -_ to try and build everything again from scratch? For a long time he'd been relying on going back to Maria, coming back to that domestic life that was so familiar and comfortable to him, but was that something he could recreate after all the changes he'd been through? Now he was sure it would feel anything but right. He was sure going back to Maria, after Rafael, it would feel like faking. _You can't just give yourself like that to someone and walk away,_ he thought to himself, unable to remember where he'd heard that line before. No, Nick thought, he was way too far his comfort zone to ever go back to it. Maybe California wasn't the right call after all, maybe that green eyed tough stubborn man had saved him (once again?) from making a stupid decision based on an impulse and a lot of bottled anger and pride. He laughed out loud, _impulse, bottled anger and pride, in an Amaro?_

* * *

Barba sheepishly walked into the courtroom, lacking his usual confident strut. He still hadn't been able to shake off the bad feeling that had clouded up his head since the beginning of the morning, and the superstition had turned into nervousness and now, when added to the two extra cups of coffee he had taken while finishing his preparations, it had turned into full blown anxiety. He needn't worry about the girls, of that he was sure - they were all there, all unharmed and so far all willing to keep their testimony truthful, and he believed them - but it wasn't enough to calm his nerves, not even the sight of a light mooded Nick seemed to be enough. So instead of trying to calm down or make sense of whatever the hell it was that was making him so at unease he chose to just focus on his job, do what he did best.

Soon enough the cloud dissipated and all that he could think of was winning the case, his stomach hurting and his hands crawling into a fist each time a new victim took the stand and spoke of the atrocities they were put through by Johnny D. He watched those girls tell their story, saw the pain in their eyes, in their words, and he wanted to cry. He questioned himself how was it that people grew up from little innocent kids to such monsters, how they caused such pain and destroyed lives and had no remorse, made a living out objectifying other people. But he didn't really want to know the answer, he didn't want to know how Johnny D became a rapist, how his father became a batterer, he didn't want stories and excuses - if he had wanted that he would have become a shrink or a social worker. No, he became an ADA, by choice, with pride, because he wanted to put these people away, because he would _not_ let them pass. Specially not this one.

* * *

Nick had tried to reach out to Rafael in the courthouse after the session but he hadn't gotten more than five minutes with him. It had been long enough to see him shaken up about the testimonies and dead set on his determination to win this case. They had exchanged a few snarky remarks before Nick leaned in and kissed him on the forehead - always glancing at the door, to make sure no one would catch them sharing such an intimate act - and assured him he was doing great, this was a case already won. He had then left ADA Barba to rumble through his papers before catching a ride with Amanda back to the squad.

"You really moving to California?", the blonde asked.

"I'm not sure yet", he avoided her gaze.

"You're stayin'", she stated simply.

"Now why would you say that?", Nick played with one of the pencils on top of her desk, already knowing her answer.

"'Cause I know you Nick. We used to be close and all?", Amanda joked, pulling the pencil off of his fingers.

"Yeah", he smiled to her, "I'm thinking about that".

"Do so", she nodded, still playing with the pencil.

"Why?", he didn't want to sound vague so he quickly completed, "I mean, you know I won't go far here. In the department".

"Yeah, I know", Amanda casually replied.

He raised his eyebrows and leaned in forward, waiting for her to say something more meaningful.

"Well I know it, and you know it", he tilted his head to the side, still hoping she would make sense, "And yet you look happy".

By the time he thought of something to tell her he realized he was already smiling, so he just nodded back at Amanda and tapped his fingers on the desk before heading out to Olivia's office.

" _Liv_ , those girls did great today", Nick walked into her office with a smile on his face, "Barba, too", he didn't want to sound like he was bragging about Rafael's work, but he wanted to share it with someone who appreciated the guy like he did, "Timed his direct to Ariel so the judge had to adjourn before Braun could cross".

"The jury replaying what those girls said...", she took off her glasses and nodded, "Not sleeping tonight".

Nick decided to be direct. Olivia was his friend, his closest and dearest friend, one of the people who knew him better than he liked to be known, he knew by now she imagined he had a purpose for walking over to her office like that.

"Between what he's done to them, what he's doing to you", he started out, feeling ashamed of himself.

She put her glasses down and pursed her lips then turning her gaze onto him, "He's not going to do anything to me", she said firmly.

Nick stared at her, in awe. He admired her strength, her fearlessness. How she stood tall despite everything, how she prevailed against all odds. She inspired him. He hoped someday he was able to say these exact words to her. Now he felt even more guilty for storming out of the room the last time they had talked, for acting childish as if he was blaming her for how the NYPD saw him. Olivia didn't deserve to be treated this way, especially not now.

"Liv", he leaned in forward and ran his hand through his tie, trying to calm himself - apologizing was not one of his abilities, "I was wrong to add to your stress with this sergeant thing".

"No, it's -", she was quick to reply but he was even quicker to interrupt. He knew she would say it was okay, but he needed to apologize.

"Look, I put you in a bad position, and I'm sorry", Nick stared deep into her eyes, bearing his heart.

"I know how hard that must've been for you to hear. I'm sorry", she touched her chest.

He looked down, reminded of that moment when he felt all his dreams and plans for the future being shattered.

"But we'll get through this", Olivia smiled.

"Yes, we will", Nick's black eyes locked with her brown ones. He felt safe once more. Safe in Rafael's arms. Safe by Olivia's side. Maybe he did belong here after all. "See you in court tomorrow".

He got up, tapping the table and sighing.

"Yeah", her voice dropped a note.

"Liv, you see the look on Johnny D's face when those girls testified?", he smiled to his friend, a sweet and comforting smile, "He knows he's done".

With that he left the room, feeling sure everything would fall into its right place.


	6. Resolution

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To start with, I'M SO SORRY FOR THE HUGE DELAY ON UPDATES. I haven't abandoned this story, I promise. My life is /completely/ messy right now and that has kept me from writing or having any motivation whatsoever but I haven't given up on this story or the series I intended to write when I began this. I'm probably gonna be very slow on updating (feedback always help me get more motivated *wink wink*) but I will do my best to try and write more.
> 
> I hope you guys like this chapter, it's one I particularly enjoy - lots of thoughts and feels.

Rafael eyed his messages one more time before downing another bite of the roast beef sandwich he'd bought for dinner. In the bright screen little blue balloons had popped up with Nick asking if things were okay, if he wanted a ride home and below each blue ones there were green balloons with single word replies, cold, distant. Yes, everything is okay. No, I don't need a ride home. Yes, I see you later. He sighed, the expensive scotch burning on the back of his throat. He had no idea why he was treating Nick this way, he knew the man didn't deserve it, he knew things between them were more than well, but he couldn't help his own cynicism. When was the last time things had ever worked out like this in his personal life? There had to be a catch. Ever since Nick and him first started this relationship Rafael had been expecting things to collapse, his mind wandering through all the possibilities, through all the possible paths to the inevitable heartbreak. There had been nights when he had woken up in terror, jumping up from a nightmare where Nick wasn't Nick but something else (something like his father, maybe? He still didn't know), but they all ended with him walking away, either on his own feet or on a black body bag. And it was always his fault, for getting too close, for believing this time it would be different, for being naive enough to think something so wonderful could happen to him, Rafael Barba. He scoffed, spitting away the piece of bread turned sour, _why did he have to complicate everything?_ Nick had asked him that and his mother had asked him that a million times before. A good trait for a lawyer - for the most part - but a horrible trait for an _actual person_. Sometimes he felt like anything but it.

Nick arrived when he was standing by the kitchen sink, one suspender hanging down his hip, a soapy plate on his hands and the thoughts of self pity still barging onto his mind.

"What do we have here", he teased, "Domestic Barba".

With that the detective hung his suit jacket by the coat hanger and wrapped his arms around Rafael's waist, inhaling the faint scent of his faded perfume mixed with sweat, the perfect combination for a Barba musk.

"You killed it in court today", Nick added.

"Thank you. You told me to kick some ass, I was just following your command", he joked, "I've gotta thank Liv for talking to the girls, by the way. They are the life of this trial".

"Yeah, it was something". He unclasped his hands from Rafael's waist as he finished washing the plate and pointed out to the living room. "I talked to Liv just now, I think she's feeling much better after today. No way Johnny D's walking away now".

"Do you want a beer? There's a roast beef sandwich on the living room".

He didn't want to talk about the trial, or about tomorrow. The bad feeling kicking down on his gut had only been growing stronger throughout the day and it all seemed related about the trial. Rafael had no idea what the furious look behind Johnny D's eyes had to do with Nick and California and his goddamn superstition, but all he knew was that if he could avoid thinking about it until the sun rise he would probably manage to not have a nervous breakdown.

"Something's wrong?". Nick settled the beer by the glass table and glanced over to his side where a silent Rafael sat staring blankly at the wall.

"No". He came back from his thoughts, a dark place where he seemed to visit every day. "Everything is okay".

" _Please_ , Rafi". Black eyes begged him. "Don't answer me like this. I'm not some guy who you just met. I know you".

Yes, he did. And that's what was scary. Rafael had let him come too close, too close for any of them to not get hurt.

"I don't even know how to answer, Nick", he confessed.

"I thought things between us were fine", Nick started, feeling guilty for leaving him hanging on over California and realizing he still hadn't apologized about it - it seemed like he was always in debt of apologies, "Or is this about the trial? I'm sure you've already won -"

"It's not about the trial", he interrupted, "And things between us are fine, _I think_ ". He sighed, wishing he was his usual rational self and not this mass of unwanted uncertainty and fear.

"Look, if it's about California". He raised a hand to stop Rafael from talking. "I'm sorry for keeping you on ice. I mean, I shouldn't have just dropped it on your lap like that and then not said anything else. But I had to think, and I didn't wanna keep it from you".

"I really appreciate that", Rafael replied sincerely. He didn't know how he would have been if Nick had just walked away without any previous warning, "But why are you talking about it on the past tense?".

He had made up his mind, after all. He was going to California. _That was it_ , this was what the bad feeling had culminated to.

"Because I've made up my mind. I wasn't gonna tell you today, I figured it was better to tell it to you - and then to Liv - when we had won the case. But I guess now is a good moment. And Amanda probably already told Liv anyways", Nick rolled up his tongue, cursing himself for being so bad at these sort of announcements.

"What does Amanda has to do with anything?". Rafael started to lose the trail of thoughts and impatiently wished Nick would just say whatever the hell he meant.

"I'm staying, Rafi. I think this is where I'm meant to be. Here, in New York, with all of you". He had a lot more to say, a lot more reasons than what his simply formed sentence let in, but by the glow in Rafael's green eyes he knew what he had said was enough, he knew he had been understood even despite the unsaid things he couldn't let out.

Rafael Barba always knew what to say, or always tried to think of something to say, but in that moment he ignored his usual need of searching for words and pulled Nick in for a kiss, a desperate, wanting, wet and warm kiss.

Their lips lingered together and their bodies crashed, weighting heavy on top of each other, and just as easily as one flickers a light switch they shut the world outside off, with its worries and crimes and cases and superstitions being muted, at least for tonight.


	7. Bang. Bang. Out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't apologize enough for the huge delay on updating this fic. Long story short, I've gone through some personal issues and then I just got overwhelmed with a bunch of activities I'm currently engaged in. I'm truly sorry! I hope none of you thought this story was abandoned and hopeless. My mind has a lot of ideas, but I either don't have the time or the strength to start writing. Anyway, this hasn't been abandoned and I will update it as soon as possible. Know that all the feedback I've got hasn't gone unnoticed, in fact, they've made me smile on hard days (:

But you can't shut the outside world off for long. And so it reached them: the worries, the crime, the case and the superstition crashed over them, two bullets changing everything they had believed to be settled.

* * *

Rafael barely had time to process what had happened when he heard Olivia's worried shouts.

"Nick! Nick! Don't!", she pointed her gun out and hopelessly glanced over to the courtroom's side door.

His eyes immediately followed hers and all he managed to catch was a glimpse of Nick's face before he faded into the corridor.

"Drop it!".

_What the hell was he thinking of,_ would be the question Rafael would ask himself right at the moment and whenever he remembered the detective's determined face, lips tightly pursed together, hands gripping firmly to the gun, black eyes flinched and focused - aiming at Johnny D, calculating, making a split second decision.

Then the door shut closed and all he could hear were the gun shots, one, and another, and another, and another. The thumping of bodies, Olivia running and screaming " _Get a bus, get a bus"._

* * *

It all seemed unreal, and for a few minutes he just remained still, grasping onto the wooden table, watching everyone pace around the courtroom, the gushing of blood, the yelling. It was then when he was bluntly reminded how different his world was from Nick's. _This,_ this confusion, this danger, this was his everyday life, not Rafael's. Rafael saw the crime scene photos - _rarely ever_ stepped at an actual crime scene, usually long after the bodies were taken - stood in front of perps when they were surrounded by cops, spent his days at the cold but relatively safe courtroom. Not today, though. Today the two worlds collapsed and along with it, Nick. And all he could do was grasp at the table, hold his breath, stare in disbelief and wait for Olivia, because that's who he was, he was the guy who sat behind piles of papers and filed motions, subpoenas, not the one who chased a serial rapist at gun point to a secluded corridor. Rafael was the guy who loved that brave guy with a death wish and prayed to god or to the devil - whoever would answer him first- that he would survive.

When Olivia walked out of that door he didn't know what to expect. The pessimist in him saw the black body bag that had haunted him in his sleep for so many nights, but before he could dwell on those thoughts a firm hand brought him back to where he stood, and as he settled his eyes on her brown ones he finally exhaled the breath he'd been holding ever since he had seen Nick cross that room.

"He's alive", she panted, "Do you wanna stay with him while the EMT arri - Oh, finally, there they are! What the hell took you so long? We've got an officer down, shot twice, one in the chest another one in the knee, I think".

And in no time the medical team had Nick in a stretcher, speeding across the room, worried faces denouncing what they avoid saying with words. Snapped out of his trance when he finally saw a pallid unconscious Nick, Rafael followed the EMTs, making every question he could possibly think of, angrily yelling back at the lack of a solid response. How could they not the extent of his injuries? Or not know if he was gonna make it? Wasn't it their goddamn job?

_"Quédate aquí, cariño, quédate conmigo",_ he held Nick's hand to his face and softly cried out.

"Sir, you're gonna need to step back", the paramedic hastily announced.

Olivia gently touched his shoulder, calling him out to look at her.

"Do you wanna ride with him?", she questioned.

Amanda held her arm and shot her a concerned glance, both women silently agreeing it wasn't the best idea.

"I'll ride with him". The blonde searched over for permission on his green eyes. "'kay?".

"Okay". He nodded affirmatively, still in a catatonic like state.

"I'll meet you at Bellevue". Olivia squeezed her partner's hand.

"Amanda", Rafael blurted out, almost begging - begging her for something he knew she couldn't do, "Please take care of him".

"I will. Don't worry". Her blue eyes made an impossible promise, reminding him of Nick's promises and prophecies, and how everything had gone wrong.

The last thing he saw before the elevator door shut close was Nick's profile - the strong features now weakened, soft and pale - and all he thought of was how he wished Nick was only asleep, like he had been hours ago, spread across Rafael's king size bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you've enjoyed this chapter! Feedback is always welcomed.


	8. Please don't do this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thought I had given up on this one? Not at all! I can't even apologize enough for this huge delay between updates. I hope you've been patient and haven't given up on me, 2016 was a horrible year for me. I lost a lot of things, a relationship, two family members... I've been relearning how to live, mostly. And with all this mess I ended up losing my inspiration to write. I also lost track of the things that made me happy, and so I put writing away. But now I'm hoping to get back to it, even if slowly. So yeah, this story will be finished and the sequels I've promised will be written and posted here.
> 
> I hope you guys haven't given up on this story or on me. I think it's a lovely story and I'm glad some people have enjoyed it.

Chapter 8

The days that followed the shooting were the hardest ones for Rafael Barba. He had rejected the leave of absence after being cleared for work by the psych department because he saw no point in lying around his apartment and worrying about Nick if he couldn't be by his bedside everyday - if he wasn't gonna be useful to him he might as well go back to work. They hadn't thought of that, of what would happen if one of them ever got injured and confined to a hospital bed, how the other one would deal with not being able to be there. After all, their families didn't know about their relationship, so it wouldn't make sense for him to drop work and stay by Nick's bedside and endure Cesaria's questioning stares or the gossiping that could arise from that. They hadn't thought about telling their families either - at least they had never talked about it. Rafael more than once had set the grounds for that conversation with his mother but had dropped it on the last minute, deflected the point, concealed it quickly with something else like a good lawyer could do - even though he knew she sensed something, she expected something. But with Nick things were more complicated, his family was larger, and after his father's trial the last thing he needed was this sort of aggravation and Rafael respected that. So when Olivia had walked out to him with an apprehensive expression and a guilty tone in her voice, he hadn't blame her.

_"Cesaria is coming". She frowned and waved her hands. "I had to call her, Rafael. I'm sorry"._

_"That's alright, I understand it". He softly placed his hand on her arm, green eyes still focused on the pristine white hospital door from where he had just walked away. "He's not gonna take it well", he muttered to himself, though loud enough so Olivia could hear it._

_"Nick's gonna make it". She smiled warmly and he blessed her for her never ending ability to transpire confidence and positivity throughout the hardships. "He has the whole squad by his side". Olivia paused and pressed her left hand against the one that laid on her arm. "And he has you"._

He tried to smile, tried to accept what she was saying without distressing about it, but as his eyes stayed glued to the hospital door, remembering Nick's face between the many tubes and wires, he felt all the resolutions and plans they had made just the night before were already part of a remote past, a never-to-be-real world.

And he was right. He didn't know it for sure, but Rafael could tell by the look in Nick's eyes the morning he got the news about the severity of his knee injury that this was the sort of news to change his perspective on everything. That afternoon he'd been his distant self from weeks before, even after his mother said she'd be out for a few hours to grab a fresh change of clothes. Rafael hadn't pushed it, but he could almost see the Nick's racing thoughts as his fingers restlessly flickered through the remote, changing the TV channels before Rafael could even see what was flashing on the screen. That had been the last day he'd stopped by the hospital. Both men silently decided it was becoming too much, he'd been staying there for longer than anyone else - Olivia even - and showing up too many times on the same day for it to look like they had only a casual relationship. And so Rafael tried to focus on his work, following Nick's recovery from a distance, heart in his hand, still unable to make the bed where they had once slept together.

* * *

Nick improved relatively quickly, considering the extent of his injuries, and when Olivia decided to throw a dinner party at her place Rafael took the chance to offer him a ride from his mother's home - where he'd been staying, under protest - to Olivia's. A painful feeling pooled in his gut at the sight of Nick walking with his crutches - not pity or rejection, but the pain that came from knowing him too well, knowing how strength was an important trait for him, how he hated to feel vulnerable, to feel dependent. Rafael crossed over to the passenger's side and asked if he needed help, to which he promptly denied. Still the same Nick I know, he thought, with a smile. At least some things stay the same.

Inside the car it was as if the silence burned through his skin, and in an impulse he decided to try and close the distance between them, to reach out to Nick like he always seemed to do.

"Has it been hard, staying here with Cesaria?". He glanced over to his side and noticed Nick had been staring at him, just now turning his face forward. He wondered for how long the other man would have allowed the silence to go on.

"Hard enough, you know how latina moms are". He paused, clenching his jaw. "But I'll be going back to my apartment tomorrow".

"Tomorrow already?". It had been two weeks, already wasn't the appropriate word, but he didn't know another way to convey his surprise. "You never told me", he stated.

Nick dreaded this. He'd been dreading this moment for a while now, mainly because of how things had developed. If only he'd been able to stay at his own apartment he would have reached out to Rafael, he would have talked, explained, he would have laid on Rafael's bed and begged the man to make him change his mind - No, Nick, your thoughts are derailing, that's not what you meant. But not only he'd been unable to move he had also been forced to stay at his mother's, and that gave him too much time alone, too much time to think and reevaluate things, and also too much time in which he'd completely stonewalled Rafael, purposely trying to forget him and everything they had gone through. And now he was confronted with the fact he'd made decisions based on his feelings only, that this patient and kind man didn't deserve to be left stranded. He'd have to collect himself and make sense of it all.

"I meant to, _I did_. But things got difficult", he started, feeling small and stupid.

"So you'll move back to your apartment, that's good news, that means your recovery is doing better than what you told me on those texts". Rafael bit his lip. "Not that you've told me much ever since you left the hospital".

"Please don't do this", Nick begged.

"Please don't be a human being? _Please don't have feelings?_ ", he snapped. He was so tired that he felt 10 years older than his actual age.

Nick sighed. He wasn't wrong in acting like that. Ever since the issue with the sergeant's exam Nick had been thrown off his feet, and right when he thought things were starting to fall on their places, when he thought maybe this was just a different - yet positive - turn things were taking, things took another turn and he was the one to fall. And now he'd drag Rafael with him.

What was supposed to be just a one night stand turned into a relationship he couldn't define and now it was turning into another one of his huge mistakes, another sorrow to add onto his list.

"I'm sorry, Rafi", he whispered what sounded like a resolution.

"No, Nick", Rafael angrily grabbed his arm, " _Yo estoy aqui._ Just fucking talk to me. _Yo siempre he estado aquí_ ".

"I can't stay here anymore". Nick's voice was hoarse, trembling. He shifted on his seat, trying to ignore the throbbing pain on his knee that always came from sitting down too much. "I mean, they're gonna try and force me out of the job. I could retire now. Start over again in California, with Zara and Gil". He turned back to Rafael, black eyes begging for his understanding.

"Damn it, Nick. You can't just give yourself like that to someone and walk away", he muttered under his breath, defeat tainting his tone. Then Nick remembered when he'd heard that line before. Rafael had said it in that same tone after their first big argument - after the first time sex had meant something else than just fucking - when he was about to walk out of the apartment and on him. He'd come back that night, he'd crawled back to the bed and everything had been settled. But not tonight, tonight when he said he couldn't stay he meant it, and Rafael knew it.

His fingers slowly untangled from Nick's sleeve and clutched back onto the steering wheel. Another silence filled the air and tears filled Rafael's eyes. He understood where Nick was coming from, and he couldn't say he'd feel different if he was the one on his place. New York would always remind Nick of what he'd lost, he would always remind Nick of what could have been, of what he'd almost achieved.

"You're right", he said plainly before parking the car at Olivia's. "New York has been too rough on you".

" _That's all you're gonna say?_ ". Nick resented asking it right after the words left his lips. He somehow always managed to _Amaro_ the conversations, to turn them into arguments, into battles.

"What do you want me to say, Nick?". His words were soft, much to Nick's surprise. The green eyes he knew so well were now a shade darker, staring at him just as softly as his words had sounded. "I can't ask you to stay. I would never do that to you".

" _Lo siento mucho, Rafi. Lo siento tanto_. I wish things were different". A tear rolled down Rafael's cheek. Right then and there he could have changed his mind just by looking at Rafael. But he was too stubborn for his own sake, and too afraid.

" _Yo también, yo también_ ".


	9. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna have to apologize again for the long time between chapters. My life has been beyond hectic and with this and some mental health issues I ended up never sitting down and writing. I'm hoping to not go through writing hiatus so much like this anymore. Anyway, here is the last one for this story, but it's not the last one for this journey! There's gonna be a sequel to this story, so brace yourselves. I want to thank everyone who's been reading it and liking and reviewing. It's truly, truly so important to me. I just love sharing these ideas with you guys and it makes me really happy to see them being appreciated.
> 
> Thank you all! See you on the sequel! (or maybe on another barmaro story if the inspiration comes up, who knows! hit me up with ideas). And please let me know what you think!

Epilogue

He stared at his watch with vague, empty eyes. 4:16 am. He'd watch flight 3869 depart from JFK half an hour ago and still he stood there, watching the monitor where infinite flight numbers changed second after second but without noticing a single thing about. His mind was still fixated on the image of Nick, crossing the gates and vanishing into the crowd.

"Thought I'd find you here".

The voice was familiar, but he didn't move until he felt a hand softly lay on his shoulder.

"You didn't talk to him, did you?". It was Olivia, staring at him with those sympathetic brown eyes.

Rafael blessed her presence there, for now he didn't have to fall apart all alone in the middle of a now empty airport. But he also cursed her for knowing his weaknesses and reading him just like that. Why did he ever let people close, he wondered.

"What was there for me to say?". He rubbed his scruffy cheek and pleaded her with just a glance to understand him.

"I'm sorry, Rafael". She rubbed his shoulder lightly. "I really am".

"Don't pity me, Olivia".

He walked away from her, feeling more and more ridiculous at each step he took.

"Hey". She reached him faster than expected. "Cut it out, will you. You know I don't pity you".

Blue eyes laid their gaze on her, still vague and empty. Waiting for something, for an indication, hoping she'd just lead him. He'd never felt so lost in his entire life.

"Let's go somewhere else, okay?".

Rafael nodded.

"Your place?".

"Please, God, no. Anywhere but there". He sighed.

"Okay. Then mine it is".

* * *

"I don't know what to say".

"You don't have to say anything, really. Not unless you want to". Olivia took a sip of her tea and watched Rafael with careful eyes. She'd never seen him so vulnerable. So... real.

He was always so well put together oftentimes it seemed like a poster picture of an ADA, instead of a human being. She knew better than to think of him like that - she was his friend, after all, she'd seen him go through a lot of stuff - but she wasn't accustomed to the sight of such a fragile, exposed Rafael.

"Do you think I did a mistake? In just letting him go". He decided to rip the question, that had been pounding on his head ever since Nick crossed the gate, like a band aid.

"I don't think you could have done anything to make him stay if he had his mind made up". She bit her lip, searching on his face for a sign to keep on talking. "You know how Nick is. Better than I do".

"Sometimes I feel like I don't know him at all". His voice was filled with resent.

Rafael thought he'd known Nick, and that he loved him. And people who love, _really_ love, don't just walk away like that. Nick made walking away seem easy, and he hated him for that.

"You shouldn't doubt _that_ just because of the choice he made". It was like she could read his thoughts. Somehow Olivia had the magic of doing that from time to time, and it never ceased to amaze him. "You and I both know what's real".

He lowered his head, soaking her words in. Remembering ever touch, every word, every glance Nick had ever given him.

He sighed again, this time rubbing his eyes in a vain attempt to prevent tears from falling.

"Do you think he'll be happy in California?". Rafael felt like a schoolboy, asking Olivia all these questions she couldn't possibly _actually_ know the answer to.

"I think he's running from himself". She too was crying now, but shamelessly, unlike Rafael. "One day every issue will catch up with him, be it in New York or in California. I think that's when he'll make the real big choices".

"I don't know if I can wait for him to screw his head in right. Not when he walked way just like that". He muttered under his breath, swallowing his own tears. He felt his body tremble as if he was about to fall apart in tiny little pieces. Nick had been the glue sealing him together for a long time, and now he just felt like a broken puzzle.

"And what if-", he continued, "He figures everything out and concludes _I'm_ not what he wanted anyway? It's too much, Olivia. It's just too much".

Olivia scooted up to his side of the sofa and gently embraced him, giving him enough space to cry while her own tears made their flow down her cheeks. _Damn it, Nick_ , she thought to herself. He'd probably ruined the greatest thing he ever had, and ruined Rafael in the process.

"You'll just have to live it one day at a time, dear". She hated to sound so cliché, but she also knew as repetitive as it was, it was still the plain old truth. "And remember: it was his mistake to make. You did everything you could. He needs to heal, in his own pace and in his own ways".

Like a lightning the image of Nick struck his mind, the Nick from months ago, before the sergeant's exam idea, before the idea of California, before the shooting.

 _"_ ¿ _Qué?". He asked with a smile._

_"You almost cut half your finger off". A wide eyed Rafael pointed out._

_"Aw come on Rafi. Don't be so worried. There's nothing time and love won't heal. Give me a kiss"._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos for cheesy angsty ending


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